I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
