Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
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keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
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I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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