don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
