then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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