in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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