I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
