I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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