I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
