You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
