Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
