She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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