i just wanna soil my oats bro
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
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you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It's shark week go big or go home
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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