you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
