u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
