I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Randomize
