Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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