shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
