note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
