I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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