she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
