Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
