brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
