Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
