all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
