Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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