toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
i will never coherently bang her
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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