Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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