I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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