So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
