i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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