My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
