i just google imaged poop.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
