How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
