omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
