Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
