there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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