It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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