Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I will be naked everywhere
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
