She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
