My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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