I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
