I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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