but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
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he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
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Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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