girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
