Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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