you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
