there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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