drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
