so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
