my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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