i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
