I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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