bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
