Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
