i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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