I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
