I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
