listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
