They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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