my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
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don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
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Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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